May 7, 2007

When To Talk at the Movies

Friday night at the ArcLight, originally uploaded by stutefish.

INSPIRED BY TWO CHATTY DUDES behind us last night at an Arclight Cinemas showing of "Spiderman 3," I've assembled this helpful list.

Too tired of using your "theater" voice? Confused about subtle etiquette differences between a living-room TV set and a 500-seat auditorium? Feel like your $14 ticket comes with more rights than my $14 ticket? Need a change of scenery from AMC Universal CityWalk? Then this list is for you.
When To Talk at the Movies (Only for People Sitting Directly Behind Me During Sold-Out Screenings)
  • During previews of coming attractions
  • During opening credits
  • During musical sequences or montages
  • When you recognize - or think you might recognize - an actor
  • To offer what you can remember of the actor's filmography
  • To show how well you can read a particularly interesting word from a subtitle, t-shirt, sign, product or poster
  • To ask for help reading a word from a subtitle, t-shirt, sign, product or poster
  • When you recognize a location or building
  • To warn a character of impending doom
  • To appreciate the setup of an impending comedic event
  • To share excitement over the mention of your city or state
  • To obtain a recap of events during a restroom/concession run
  • To repeat something you found clever or amusing
  • To get someone else to repeat something you didn't hear
  • To guess the next line during a dramatic/comedic pause
  • To rewrite the script more to your liking
  • To transition from laughing loudly to sitting silently again
  • When you're startled - or just tricked into being startled
  • When taking a call
  • When responding to a text message
  • When trying to quiet a baby/child
  • When trying to make a baby/child
  • When you actually are a baby/child
  • On a first date
  • On any subsequent date
  • When kissing/lovemaking scenes make you uncomfortable
  • To wonder about a plot point that is only partially revealed
  • To offer a review of the film
  • To guess the ending before – or as – it happens
  • To prove you knew how it would end
  • To share adulation with a director or star who is not present


cjla said...

Sorry to hear about the jerk. I use the peer humiliation technique. "Could you please stop talking, texting, etc" delivered in a scary, librarian type voice.

And I try to hit as many 21+ shows as possible, although I keep daydreaming about a 35+ showing.

Reel Fanatic said...

I'm sorry you had to suffer through that, but I have to say that list just made me laugh out loud .. I think I've encountered every one of those!

AVN said...

I like the idea of the 35+ screening. Though the worst chatterboxes I sit near are closer to AARP range.

MJS said...

It is better to be quiet and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Attributed to various sources, including Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain, Ralph Waldo Emerson & the world famous "unknown."