Life in a Theme Park

Now that our neighborhood is known as the Best Landlocked Treasure Island in Los Angeles, it's time for a theme park to update some of its attractions. How about it, Disney? Universal? Vegas? Maybe vacationers don't need a new Atlantis. They may settle for Atwater Village.

Ladies and gentrificationmen, welcome to Landlocked Treasure Island!

Here - for an average admission of $1,781 a month - you can experience the half Hispanic, half non-Hispanic American dream!

Start your visit with a magic potion from LatteLand, where every corner pits a multinational coffee shop against a beloved mom-and-pop. Will you help David beat Goliath? Or is it curtains for anyone who can't make a consistent $4 beverage?

Then, cash a check or two on the way to Chain-Store Mountain. Here you can buy anything you like, but don't expect anyone to sell it to you. Wait time at Costco Canyon is usually 45 minutes or less.

Treat the little ones to a game at Curbside Playground. Don't worry: when the ball rolls into the street, our careful drivers always, always stop in time.

Traveling with teens? Those Rascals will want to sneak into River Tag Adventure so they can reach Frogtown before dawn. BYO Krylon!

Then, choose dinner on Random Restaurant Row. It was southern Italian last time. This time it's southern French! Who knows what the next health inspection will inspire. Use your GastroPass and save.

Try to schedule your visit on the third Friday of the month - or is it the fourth? - for the Art Walk, Skip & Jump. Spend $500 or more and win amazed stares from everyone around you. You'll find it along the ever-widening Dale o' Glen.

Late nights, the historic BigClub RoostFoot is where all the action is. At the end of a long stay, it's comforting to know you're nowhere near the first guest to spill half your drink between the booth cushions. Love jukeboxes? Bring some quarters. And some hand wipes.

Sorry, the helicopters are not among the approved rides in Landlocked Treasure Island. And please, try to stay in the center of the park. Do not wander too far north or south.