When To Talk at the Movies

Friday night at the ArcLight, originally uploaded by stutefish.

INSPIRED BY TWO CHATTY DUDES behind us last night at an Arclight Cinemas showing of "Spiderman 3," I've assembled this helpful list. Too tired of using your "theater" voice? Confused about subtle etiquette differences between a living-room TV set and a 500-seat auditorium? Feel like your $14 ticket comes with more rights than my $14 ticket? Need a change of scenery from AMC Universal CityWalk? Then this list is for you. When To Talk at the Movies (Only for People Sitting Directly Behind Me During Sold-Out Screenings) During previews of coming attractions During opening credits During musical sequences or montages When you recognize - or think you might recognize - an actor To offer what you can remember of the actor's filmography To show how well you can read a particularly interesting word from a subtitle, t-shirt, sign, product or poster To ask for help reading a word from a subtitle, t-shirt, sign, product or poster When you recognize a location or building To warn a character of impending doom To appreciate the setup of an impending comedic event To share excitement over the mention of your city or state To obtain a recap of events during a restroom/concession run To repeat something you found clever or amusing To get someone else to repeat something you didn't hear To guess the next line during a dramatic/comedic pause To rewrite the script more to your liking To transition from laughing loudly to sitting silently again When you're startled - or just tricked into being startled When taking a call When responding to a text message When trying to quiet a baby/child When trying to make a baby/child When you actually are a baby/child On a first date On any subsequent date When kissing/lovemaking scenes make you uncomfortable To wonder about a plot point that is only partially revealed To offer a review of the film To guess the ending before – or as – it happens To prove you knew how it would end To share adulation with a director or star who is not present